dark horizons

I sense something.
This is not good.
I feel dark not knowing what this is.
There’s distance, conflict.
This bothers me.

Gom Jabbar

Am I human?
I can think.
I can reason...somewhat.
I can love.
I can hurt.
I can cry.
I can laugh.
Or am I animal?
I can play dead.
I can run...away.
I can sense.
I can smell you.
I can feel no pain.
I can claw.
So then, which is it?
Have I learned from past mistakes?
Not really...Animal.
Free will...Human.
I must still be evolving...

do i

i do
i know i do
and yet i'm not sure
but i am
it's real
it's warm
it's everything
it's right
is it
should
could
would
i hate those words
they make it worse
i know
i know every minute of every day it's right
and it shouldn't be
yet i do
i do

the call

His voice was cold. Hard. Pain and hurt were etched on every word. She cried. The tears flowed freely down her cheeks. This was her fault. She knew the separation was her fault. She caused this. He claimed it wasn't her; how could it not be? She curled into a ball. The phone stared back at her, mocking her. Perhaps if she had never told him she loved him, her heart wouldn't be breaking now. He'd be happy.

*I cannot stress enough that this is an old work*

Problems

Loving you
Seems to be a problem
If you do not reciprocate
I fear I’ll be ashamed
For loving a man as great as you
And not having him with me
Loving you
Seems to be tearing me apart

Wanting you
Seems to be a problem
I lay awake at night
Wishing you shared my bed
My days pass with quick speed
Because you are in my head
Wanting you
Seems to occupy my day

Opening myself
Seems to be a problem
I fear my hopes are not your hopes
My dreams will seem foreign
Perhaps you’ll laugh at my words
Or realize how I can bore you
Opening myself
Seems to keep me away from you

Committing myself
Seems to be a problem
Giving my time, my soul, my love
I have yet to make that step
Either I know it will not work out
Or I am scared to screw up
Committing myself
Seems to keep me away from you

A$$hole

Do you ever feel like a complete asshole?
You're thinking, saying, doing things that make you cry.
You hide behind the false smile and the too sincere laugh.
But your eyes, if anyone bothered to look betray your feelings.
It's all there, the self-hate, the self-deprecation,
All the horrible thoughts that keep you up at night are visible in your eyes.
But no one looks, so you don't tell them you feel like a complete asshole.

Thank God I'm Not You

What gives you the right to intrude?
I like the little world in which I live.
I like the fantasy, I like the strangers, and I like the embellishment.
Your world—the world of rude and ignorant and closed-minded people,
well, it scares me.
I don’t understand how a man (or woman) can live like that.
Not taking joy where it is found.
Not celebrating the talents of those around you.
Not befriending those in need.
Not being nice. How hard is that?! Be nice.
You may taunt and ridicule…maybe even threaten and laugh,
but you won’t win.
I will win. I am strong.
I am better than I thought I was.
Me with all the imperfections: the sleepless nights, the extra drink, the wasted time, the mood swings, the stories. They are me and I’m okay with that.
I am worthy of friendship.
I am worthy of love.
I am worthy to live…even in a world that includes jerks like you.
So I ask you again, what gives you the right to step into my world, the world that keeps me safe from the terror of you, and trample on my sanity?

i love him

I need to get something off my chest...I'm not really sure I want it on my front page so...here I am.

The human heart is capable of many things. Love being the most incredible of them. It can change a person. It can make a person crazy. It can make you vulnerable. It can allow you to love in ways you never imagined possible.

I have loved...puppy love, first love, shallow love, crushes, unconditionally, conditionally...I do love.

I love more than I should. My heart is open and fragile. I love a man. With all that I am I love him. If I were to lose that love, his love, I'm not sure I'd be able to love anyone. It is all consuming this love.

My love is a part of me. I feel him. My heart tells me it is an ancient love...our souls are old friends...old lovers. Possible? Possible.

I am not in love...I do love, actively, wholly, without hesitation. Love.

invisible forces

The moon breaks the horizon
Casting spells over restless souls
Spiraling lovers into each other’s arms
Pulling strangers out of the dark

Invisible forces
Ebb and flow
Pushing and pulling
Love and lust become one

He waits among darkened streets
Looking for candy covered smiles
Finding questing eyes returning his glare
Standing on broken hearts

Invisible forces
Ebb and flow
Pushing and pulling
Love and lust become one

She’s standing in the doorway
Searching thru falling shadows
Gasping at intruding stone grey slivers
She sends her wishes over him

Invisible forces
Ebb and flow
Pushing and pulling
Love and lust become one
Strangers feasting
Inhibitions gone

The moon leaves the horizon
Breaking the spells of the night
Unwinding tangled pillowed forms
Pulling strangers out of the dark

Invisible forces
Ebb and flow
Pushing and pulling
Love and lust become one

real

Where do I begin?
Was I dreaming,
because I’ve had that dream before.
Breathing hard and fast, deep quick breaths.
Your caress heightened my awareness,
Each touch: shivers; each brush: pulses.
I could hardly find myself.
Within me a wild array of sensations fought
for control of my heart and mind.
My stomach tightened and relaxed.
There, in my groin, a relentless beating---
What pleasure!
I can feel you.
My head arched back as my eyes fluttered and my blood raced.
I only know you.
Dreams are not like this.
There is not this much pleasure in fantasies.
It must be real.
Breathe, I must breathe.

that night

The candlelight cast fleeting shadows above my bed
In each flicker, I relive your kiss, your embrace, your breath.
I cannot erase, nor do I want to erase, that wonderful night.
I close my eyes only to find you looking at me and smiling.
So you can see why I can’t sleep, I can’t get you out of my head!
Perhaps I never should have let my dreams come true,
For I can live with dreams and desires…
But reality and memories are different,
They bring emotions of confusion and happiness.

the point

Sometimes it all seems pointless
I know you must think that's crazy
it's not
we live
we die
the places in between are just spacers
my mind begins to question
is there a judge
is there a reason
is thee a right or wrong
so, I guess there may be a point
I'm just not sure what it is.

crazy girl

I think I may be mad, just like that crazy hatter.
Throwing tea parties for rabbits and hares.
My watch has stopped or did I lose the time?
I better take a drink 'cause I never know when I may start to shrink...

Crazy girl, she's a wonder
Crazy girl, no one sees
She wanders thru her mornings
Always wearing her rainbow socks
Crazy girl, worse off than Alice
Crazy girl, what can she do?

Afternoon and evenings
Dinnertime and breakfast
Reading books about books
What kind of girl is that?

Crazy girl, she's a weird one
Crazy girl, no one's sure
She wanders thru her mornings
Always wearing her rainbow socks
Crazy girl, lost like Dorothy
Crazy girl, what can she do?

Sometimes her laughter
Catches the moon
Sometimes her crying
Saddens the sun

Crazy girl, she's peculiar
Crazy girl, no one knows
She wanders thru her mornings
Always wearing her rainbow socks
Crazy girl, flying as Wendy
Crazy girl, what can she do?

Look out for the crazy girl
She'll trick you into smiling
Inviting your soul
Into her make-believe world